Month 2 & 3

Very belated update on my time here at Familia Feliz! 

I’ve heard it said that the first couple of months being away are the hardest, I agree. I have also found I have been able to adjust to my life. One of the biggest things I’ve learned is to really just go with the flow and take things as they come. Here, things change so fast, and continuously. I was so worried about how I would be able to change and deal with it. However, I decided that I would just simply give it to God and let go. I’m particularly proud of this growth because before becoming a student missionary I did not handle or cope well with change. 

Something I’ve also experienced understanding the statement that every parent tells their kids at some point: “I’m not mad, just disappointed.” It’s really hard to be mad at these kids when the behaviors they express are a cry for help. Whether it’s dealing with the dysregulated kids in my classroom or in the Flores (little girls), I have to realize that it is because of the people who have let them down that their hurt is displayed in their actions. For example, I had to deal with two situations, where kids were caught stealing. The children were triggered and their reaction lead to stealing. The first case, the child and their mom had spoken on the phone that night, the child just simply wanted to be with their mother. However, their mother has ditched the child and lives in a different country. In the second case, it involves two kids whose dad hasn’t come to visit in a long time; and the last time he visited he was threatening the staff. At the beginning of my second month I found myself saying “I hate this place, I hate these kids, and I just want to go home.” The Lord gave me the jolting realization that the kids here say that too. They don’t want to be here, a lot of the times they really don’t get along or like the kids they are with, and they would much rather be home with their families, but that’s not an option. 

I have had some very sweet moments through the hard ones. I got to celebrate my 21st birthday in Bolivia Familia Feliz style! Which means I was run down by the Guerreros (older boys) with flour and egg, they were absolutely ruthless. It was one of the experiences! I also celebrated with my fellow SM’s and it was such a blessing to be able to enter a new year of life with them. Some other sweet moments are that I have been able to improve connections with my students. We have play-time where they play with educational games. At first I used to just watch, but then I started actively playing the games with them. I have been able to build a bridge into their life.

 I had mentioned on my social media that prayers were needed due to an outbreak of Dengue fever on campus. During this both house parents, Lauren and Kelsey, of the Flores became sick with Dengue. I was then put in charge of the little girls house. This was probably one of the toughest things I could have gone through and yet there were also sweet moments. Playing music in the mornings is how I wake them up. For that week I always start with the song “The Blood” by Bethel Music. One of my most dysregulated girls, eventually started coming to me for her morning hug, which was what I did for each girl, and she would try and sing the song with me. 

I’ve had a lot of bleak moments these couple of months as well. I dealt with a lot of anxiety and feeling as though I am a failure to my students education. I am not an education major, I do not know the first thing about teaching, and I’m really trying, but a lot of the time it just feels like I have no idea what I’m doing. I continuously fight for their attention and fight for them to listen to me. However, I have to remember that I am showing up, I am trying my best, and that has to be enough. It gets hard sometimes for me to let that be enough, but I always try to remember that God has me here for a reason, and if He didn’t think I could do it, I wouldn’t be there. I still fight with my inner critic saying that I’m failing, but I just continuously try and talk to God about how I am feeling, and make sure that His words are ringing louder than the other negative thoughts that try infiltrating my head. 

“Your work is happening here” by The Porters Gate is my sort of theme song for how I deal with these kids. It talks about planting seeds but God is the one who is making them grow, and that’s exactly what I’m doing. It hasn’t been easy, not even a little bit! I’ve been extremely irritable the last couple of weeks; I’m exhausted, annoyed, and drained. I have had to physically hold children down because a tantrum turned violent (and I don’t want them to hurt themselves), but seeds are being planted and I have seen those seeds grow. I have seen the emotional control after the emotional dysregulation. I have learned how to better at diffuse and distraction a situation that could have been a tantrum. I have seen my students ask permission, whereas before they used to just do it. I have seen how even though they have experienced so much pain in their lives they can still smile, they laugh until their tummies hurt, and they can still love. I love listening to is their prayers. I have to try and force myself some nights to pray with them, but hearing their prayers is a blessing. I only hope I am able to show them a fraction of how much the Lord loves them; How much He loves hearing their prayers and how much I love hearing “Teacher me oras?” At night. 

These past months have been hard, I have spent a lot of time in the Psalms just reading praises to God. David went through some really horrible times, and yet He still praised God. Sometimes it’s really hard for me to want to praise God, and I have found myself getting really mad at Him sometimes when I am really frustrated. However, one of the best reminders that I have held fast to is that how amazing is it that He is God and I am not. He is in control and I am not. As I move into the fourth month of my time here I ask for prayers of strength, patience, endurance, wisdom, and unity. Familia Feliz is currently in a transitioning period. We are moving away from social services and Familia Feliz’s non-profit in the states, run by past student missionaries, is looking to take over. We are in need of a new Director for the new year and have been praying that God will choose the right family to step out. This season of change is scary because there will be kids that are connected with social services that will be leaving us. We are absolutely heart broken at the thought of this set of siblings leaving us, pray that the Lord works a miracle that makes it possible for them to stay with us. 

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens” Ecc. 3:1 

“I will extol the Lord at all times; his praise will always be on my lips” Psalm 34:1 

“I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears” Psalm 34:4 

My verses I have been hanging onto these months. This is now the beginning of my 4th, 5 more months to go!